My spark and the flame.

What’s the difference between spark and flame?
I can talk to you about anything that pops up in my crazy head. I can tell you about the smallest thing that happened in my entire day. I can be who I am without the fear of being judge. I don’t need to hide the real me because I know you’ll not run away after seeing the naked truth. There’s a spark between us. Little sparks that gives tiny light just like stars.

Then he came. Someone who set my world on fire. No words. Nothing to talk about. I was blinded by the flame of his fire. I was amazed how someone can create such beautiful flames. At some point I  want to touch it. I wanna know what it feels like being near him. Will it warm my cold heart? Will it brighten the darkest day of my life just like the sun does?

My mind is confused but not my heart. All this time I know what my heart wants. Will it be the flame or the spark? 🙂

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Valentine’s Day Realization.

Today Valentine’s Day, I realized one major thing in life, learn to value yourself and be brave enough to walk away. I know I’ve seen a lot of this advice in the internet. I heard people saying those lines over and over again. I even gave the same words to people who asked for an advice but the thing is I haven’t tried applying it to myself. It’s like recommending a good restaurant in town; you’re putting good words about the food and ambiance when in fact you’ve never been there.
Back to my realization, I guess today is the day that it really hits me. It’s like cupid’s arrow were shooting those hearts that popped up in my crazy head. Pop. Pop. Pop then voila everything became crystal clear. There’s an open door waiting for my grand exit. Another chapter is waiting for me to start. I’ve been delaying that chapter because I kept on re-reading one of my favorite chapters and that WAS him.
For a few months I never tried to reach the exit. Maybe I was just afraid of endings that even if there are a lot of exit points I still chose to stay. I plaster pieces of my heart in each exit points hoping both of us would stay but little did I know he brought grenades with him. He planted one in each exit point and one by one he pulled the trigger. Boom boom boom until there’s only one left. I became deaf for a few moments not hearing everyone who told me to runaway. I became blind that I didn’t see those people in the exit point waving their hands asking me to go there. Then I saw him, standing in the last exit, his hand on the trigger, no emotion was written on his face all I know is that anytime soon he will pull the trigger. If I allow him to pull it my whole world will fall apart right in front of me, I didn’t allow him. Instead, I grab the grenade in his hand, I looked straight in his eyes and bid my last goodbye then I pulled the trigger and run to the exit as fast as I could. No turning back. No regrets.

It was my choice to stay, he didn’t need to begged me to do it and it was also my choice to leave, even if he begged me to stay I would still choose to leave. What I realized this Valentine’s day is important because finally I see my worth. I see and I feel my value as a person. That in order for people to value you, you have to value yourself first. If you didn’t give importance to your own feelings no one will do that for you. You have the option to leave if you feel like you don’t belong in that story you just need to find the courage to do it. Do it for yourself. Your feelings, your value and your heart matters. Now I can finally give this advice to everyone learn to value yourself and be brave enough to walk away.

The things that he hates about me.

If there’s such thing as Things I hate about you, I have a list of Things that he hates about me. Going through this list made me realized why he never considered me as real part of his messy life. I should be thankful that he didn’t consider me. Here it goes;

  •  He hates my fake curly hair. The night he told me about it was the day I fell in love with those curls of mine. I’ve longed enough for those curls and when I finally achieved it, he hates it.
  •  He hates my choice of food. I don’t eat “sinigang” and he loves it. For pete’s sake I can buy my own food. Eat your tasty “sinigang”.
  •  He hates that I don’t do facials. I don’t visit dermatologist I admit it. My face is still bearable to look at.
  •  He hates that I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. Should I pee in the bed?
  •  He hates that I am silent at times. Like what does he want me to do, talk to myself?
  •  He hates that I’m no use at directions. When we’re driving and I told him to turn left he would say let’s just follow the map, now tell me why should I give directions when he believes in his map than me.
  •  He hates the way I dress myself. He would give me constructive criticism and I appreciate it. But there’s such thing as Limit. Sometimes I felt like he was ashamed of me.
  •  He hates the place I lived in. I admit there’s too much traffic and sidewalk vendors are everywhere. But can you please be careful because this is the place I lived in for the past 24 years of my life. Lastly,
  •  He hates my family. He hasn’t met them yet but I can feel it. The way he talks about them as if they’re strangers to me. I admit I have faults with that too. I told him about my frustrations with regards to my family but can’t he pick up that I’m just frustrated and I may play victim. I told him about it because I was frustrated. I just need some comfort not his judgment. Judging my family is like judging me too. I came from that family, asshole.

This list will go on and go on if I allow myself to stay longer. Knowing everything that he hates about me doesn’t change anything. I won’t change just to fit in his idea. If I didn’t pass his preference and standards then fine. He just made me realized that I should look after myself because no one will do that for me. I should take good care of myself because in this cruel world even the people you love will point the things that they hate about you and if you let those hate consumed you, you’ll lose in the end.

 

When you’re a single alpha woman in millennial era.

When you’re a single alpha woman in millennial era.

“You’re a high-maintenance  girl”, “You have an attitude problem”, and so on and so forth. I am used to hearing those words from people who didn’t make time to get to know me. They’re talking as if they knew me for so long when in fact they didn’t know me at all. I’ve been enjoying my single life for almost four years now. Men who tried to flirt with me often tells me that “Oh, you’re pretty enough to not have a boyfriend” and I was like “which book stated that Pretty women should have a partner?”. I have my reasons why i choose to be single.

I am 24, I have a life and a lot of opportunities right in front of me. I have a career that I need to stabilize. I have bills and obligations that I needed to address first. But these are not the reasons why I choose to be part of #teamsingle. I am single because I am waiting for the right man, Oh C’mon that’s too classy. I am an alpha woman from a millennial era I won’t wait for my Prince Charming to come along. I am single because I am still looking for someone who is man enough to handle my big personality. I don’t need a Prince Charming who only knows how to smile sweetly, who only makes me alive when he kisses me and who will fall for me in one glimpse. I am not a Princess for pete’s sake. I am a Queen because I rule my own world, my own life. What I am waiting for is not a Prince but a King. Someone who can conquer my world not to destroy it but who will share his entire kingdom with me. Some men thinks that women fall for someone who can protect them, who will shield them in every harm that comes their way but not for me. I want someone who will let me protect myself and who will allow me to fight my own battles while he is at my side. Who will encourage me to bring out the dragon sleeping within me. I want someone who will let me fly. Someone who is not afraid to let me soar above the sky. Who will let me laugh at my hearts content. Who will let me write poetry and recites it to him. And someone who will let me rest my soul at his chest when everything is alright.

These are some of the reasons why I am still single. Men are afraid to women like me. They think that no one can satisfy my needs. No one can reach my standards. I will always be too much of something to them. I won’t lower my standards just to invite men who can’t handle me in the end. I won’t change my perspectives in order for them to like me. This is me. All I want is just to be me. I want someone who can accept my flaws. Who will see me as God’s masterpiece in progress. Lastly, who will love me perfectly even if I am in perfect.

Confession of a loving heart.

There is always something in your words and action that tickles the confusion in me.

You don’t know how hard i try to shrugged it off because I’m afraid I’d fall.

I’m afraid one day you will no longer be a question in my head but an answer to every questions that pops in my crazy head.

I know what i feel And i stand firm with it.

No one knows about it because no one’s brave enough to ask me, or maybe no one really mind.

So, when you accidentally drop in this page let me tell you this, i like you, i do.

You are my favorite chapter in my unfinished book.

You are my favorite chapter in my unfinished book.

 

“How do you know when it’s over?”

“Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you.”

― Gunnar Ardelius, I Need You More Than I Love You and I Love You to Bits

Whenever I tried to do an article about us I always find myself lost in my own thoughts. I was just sitting in my computer chair staring blankly in my monitor for about 20 minutes before I can create a 1 paragraph consisting of 5 sentences. Our story never had an ending nor should I say a formal ending. There is no “us” to begin with. We are more than friends but less than lovers. For the past seven months of being together I admit that it is really my fault that we didn’t have a label.

In the first week of our adventure (I can’t say relationship because there’s no “us” right?) you kept on asking me if I wanted to be your girlfriend. That time I stopped believing in the power of relationships. Men expire after two weeks that is my motto. And what’s the use of having a label when you can get things that they get without having a commitment. Friends with benefits, No strings attached, Unofficially yours we had the same stories just like them but different ending. We didn’t end up together or maybe this is not yet the end. I was your favorite playmate. We had the same things that normal couples have except that lust is our foundation and not love.

When I get off from work I will go straight into your house. I know that you hate cooking but when I arrived at your house I smelled a slightly burnt fried chicken, I feel a small grin curled my lips. Your house became my sanctuary. My body and soul feel at ease whenever I lay my body in your couch and in your bed. Your body was like a fire place that kept me warm. I remember there was this one night that while you’re sleeping I was staring at you, you let my finger tips traced your face. How can I forget those dark eyebrows, small mysterious eyes, almost perfect nose and your lips that touch every inch of me? You were my favorite statue. A sculpture made by Him. I see how perfect you are.

You survived my two weeks motto. I started counting months in my mind. I know deep within me that I loved you. I really do there’s just this one thing that kept me from telling you that. I was afraid. I was scared to death that maybe you want our situation. You get what you want without being burdened by a commitment. I wanted to tell you that I love you but I don’t know how. For almost four months I’ve been waiting to hear from you the question you used to ask me but I never heard it.

I started to feel your coldness. You were not as excited as before whenever you see me. There was something strange in the way you hug me. I can feel that you’re starting to drift away. I let a few weeks passed before I earned the courage to ask you what’s wrong. You didn’t answer me. You just shrugged it off. I know anytime soon you will utter those words that I don’t want to hear but I didn’t hear anything from you. Until one day we had this fight over a trivial matter I was about to leave when you said “I feel so stupid for pushing myself to you when you don’t want me to”. That was the last time I saw you.

I was dumbfounded, so shocked that you felt that way. All those months that we’ve been together I didn’t know that I let you feel that way. While protecting myself from getting hurt I didn’t know that I was hurting you too.

It’s been a year now since the last time I heard from you. I know you’ve been in relationships but didn’t last long. I am too. I have this new guy he’s way too different from you. You’re the matured, mysterious type of guy while he’s a childish one. I know in my heart that I love this guy but there’s still a part of me that misses you. My “what ifs and what could have been” will haunt me for the rest of my life or until I will be able to tell you what I really feel for you back then. Know that you will always be my favorite story.

What I know about love.

What I know about love.

“Don’t you fall until we know for sure” – Aliyah Parcs

Falling in love, for me is the easiest thing to do. No matter how high we set our standards we always fall for someone who doesn’t fall to our check list. When our heart decides it didn’t blind our eyes that we don’t see what kind of a mess that person could be. When we’re falling for someone our hearts shines that people see it in our eyes. We see beauty in the way they look at us. Those strange habits that they have are the things that make them stand out in our eyes.  No matter how loud or how soft spoken they are all we hear is music in our ears because it’s love.

Love is the strangest cycle ever existed. We fall in love, break our walls, happiness is in the air then we get our hearts broken into tiny pieces, we learn the art of letting go in the bitterest way possible then we build walls and tell ourselves to never let our guards down again then someone will walk into our life and all we can say is “here we go again”. We are not capable in controlling our feelings. Though love can make our lives complicated, falling in love is as simple as 1 + 1 = 2. When we fall, we fall. Simple isn’t it?

Isn’t it great that we wake up every morning with a smile on our face because we know we will see that special someone or if they are far away we have another day to express how much we miss them? How this one person can turn our bad days into good ones simply by smiling or telling us that they are here for us. And at night, isn’t it wonderful that we have someone that can let our heart and mind at ease just by saying “Goodnight and Sweet dreams”?

When we are in love we are capable in doing things beyond our imagination. We set limitless things and make everything possible. We can do everything but imagine if the person we love also loved as in return, wouldn’t it be great? We can do anything without losing ourselves in the process because we do things with the assurance that it will be appreciated.

Gravity or gravitation is a natural phenomenon by which all things attract one another including stars, planets, galaxies and even light and sub-atomic particles (Thank you Wikipedia). Though gravity attracts one another it is not responsible in attracting another person to like us. You have to be yourself in order for others to recognize your uniqueness. If being yourself doesn’t attract that one person you like let them be. It’s not your loss anyway. No matter how great love is it can be destructive sometimes. It can make us a good person or create a monster that is worse than a nightmare hiding under your bed. We must be responsible in our feelings. We shouldn’t let love destroy us just because that one person didn’t love us back. We should be brave enough to fall in love and much brave enough to walk away if it’s not worth staying anymore.