The things that he hates about me.

If there’s such thing as Things I hate about you, I have a list of Things that he hates about me. Going through this list made me realized why he never considered me as real part of his messy life. I should be thankful that he didn’t consider me. Here it goes;

  •  He hates my fake curly hair. The night he told me about it was the day I fell in love with those curls of mine. I’ve longed enough for those curls and when I finally achieved it, he hates it.
  •  He hates my choice of food. I don’t eat “sinigang” and he loves it. For pete’s sake I can buy my own food. Eat your tasty “sinigang”.
  •  He hates that I don’t do facials. I don’t visit dermatologist I admit it. My face is still bearable to look at.
  •  He hates that I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. Should I pee in the bed?
  •  He hates that I am silent at times. Like what does he want me to do, talk to myself?
  •  He hates that I’m no use at directions. When we’re driving and I told him to turn left he would say let’s just follow the map, now tell me why should I give directions when he believes in his map than me.
  •  He hates the way I dress myself. He would give me constructive criticism and I appreciate it. But there’s such thing as Limit. Sometimes I felt like he was ashamed of me.
  •  He hates the place I lived in. I admit there’s too much traffic and sidewalk vendors are everywhere. But can you please be careful because this is the place I lived in for the past 24 years of my life. Lastly,
  •  He hates my family. He hasn’t met them yet but I can feel it. The way he talks about them as if they’re strangers to me. I admit I have faults with that too. I told him about my frustrations with regards to my family but can’t he pick up that I’m just frustrated and I may play victim. I told him about it because I was frustrated. I just need some comfort not his judgment. Judging my family is like judging me too. I came from that family, asshole.

This list will go on and go on if I allow myself to stay longer. Knowing everything that he hates about me doesn’t change anything. I won’t change just to fit in his idea. If I didn’t pass his preference and standards then fine. He just made me realized that I should look after myself because no one will do that for me. I should take good care of myself because in this cruel world even the people you love will point the things that they hate about you and if you let those hate consumed you, you’ll lose in the end.

 

I choose you at your worst.

People tend to leave when the situation is not beneficial to them. You will know who the real ones are when they choose to stay even at your darkest days. They won’t judge you. They are willing to offer you a wholehearted acceptance.

 And I’m telling you I’m one of them. I’m choosing to stay.

When people asked how we’ve met I always say that it was a sunny day for me and a gloomy night for you because I’ve met you at your most vulnerable darkest night. Your problems were chasing you. They occupied your mind that you didn’t see me coming. I sat next to you but you just glanced at my side. Your mind was running at its fastest speed. At first, I thought that in order for you to notice me I need to chase you. If you’re running at 100kph I need to run at least 80kph, so I run as fast as I could. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was a good sign, but it wasn’t. Eventually I grew tired. Disappointment was consuming me. We’re drifting apart. I was scared. I am used to people leaving me but not you. I don’t want to lose you so I change my approach. Instead of chasing you, I just sat next to you offering my warmest silence because when I finally stop chasing you I realized that the thing that you need the most is a place where you can rest all your worries. A sanctuary where you can finally breathe all your troubles. My warmest silence will comfort you in your darkest days. You can rest your head on my chest and have a good sleep. My hands may be cold at times but it can cool your body when you feel like problems were burning you up. I may not be good at directions but in your darkest night I can light up your way and guide you, you just need to hold my hand and trust me.

I may not enter your world fully because of the walls that you built but one thing I can assure you of is that I will continue sitting next to you. I will stay here until you yourself will bring those walls down. Until you can finally say to me that “I’m glad, I’m home now.”

 

The Mystical Garden Of Napocor.

Once upon a time there was a mystical garden that lies in the heart of an unknown island. People were afraid to go near in that mystical garden because it looked so majestic and it was so bright. The light that it produced was enough to make the unknown island and the nearby island make it seems like they’re on fire. But since no one was brave enough to go near, the light that it produced remains in the mystical garden alone and the whole island was pitched dark.

Until one day, a brave man came along. He approached the mystical garden and asked “can you give me some of your light?”. “Why would i give you my light?”, asked the mystical garden. “I can used it in my everyday life. Your light will help me brighten my surroundings even at night. I can still work at night with the help of your light. Your light will make my life more easier”, answered the man. The brave man seems to convinced the mystical garden that it did agree to give him some of its light.

A few more days later some people also approached the mystical garden and they told the same thing. The mystical garden was so happy because people were not afraid anymore. It was so happy that it didn’t notice that slowly its light started to run out until there’s only one ray of light left for it. The mystical garden felt so sad. It was so sad that its light were fading out.

Then one day the brave man came back. “Hello my mystical garden friend. Why are you so sad?”, the brave man asked. The mystical garden was hesitant to answer. “Your light was fading”, said the brave man. “I only have one ray of light left for me. I gave you some but why do you have to tell other people about it?”, the sad mystical garden asked. The brave man walked in the heart of the garden and said “yes, i did tell people that you gave me your light. I told them because i also want to make their life easier. I want them to have the kind of life that i have because of what you have given me. You’re sad because you only have one ray of light? Why don’t you try to look around you and tell me what do you see”. The mystical garden did what the brave man told. It looked around and rain started to fall because the mystical garden was crying. “You have one ray of light left but if you look around you all the people in different islands have your light and it was so bright that we can almost light the entire sky. You shouldn’t be sad because you’re not alone anymore. By giving us your light you scattered hope in our life and now we can be a mighty light because we are one.”

The mystical garden realized what the brave man said and from then on they all live brightly ever after.

I am giving up the idea of You and Me.

People say that you shouldn’t give up the things that you can’t go a day without. Back when I was 16 years old the time when I was desperately and madly in love with the idea of having my own relationship, I held on. I never give up. I cried my heart out when I found out that I wasn’t the only one but still I held on. Every night I would cry myself to sleep thinking what did i do to experience such thing. Was it my fault that he wasn’t contented? Where did I go wrong? Questions continuously pop in my head. I give him everything until there’s nothing left for me even self respect. For 3 years I held on thinking that maybe one day he will wake up and make everything right but the opposite happened. I was the one who woke up in that long and frightening dream. One day I woke up with the realization that this is not what I deserve. I am not born to be second best. I ended the nightmare that consumed me for the past 3 years. Yes, it was painful but it is worth it. The pain of leaving the person you used to love stings but just like mosquito bites it will leave a mark but the pain will be gone.

I am 24 right now. For the past five months I let someone see the vulnerable side of me. The things that I am not comfortable to talk to even with my best friend I can confide it to him. I let him in my life without a label. Without asking for permission I gave him the key to enter my heart and I don’t regret that. But things started to change. I can feel myself slowly drifting apart. I am in love. I love the idea of being vulnerable in front of someone. The feeling of being a naked truth. But the fear of getting the same mark again leaves me with no choice but to retreat. I can’t endure another 3 years of holding on. Waiting for the day that he can love the flaws in me. I can’t wait for him to love me back. I already gave him enough chances to see my worth. I let him see that even if I am a mess, I deserve to be loved. I acknowledged myself worth but since I am God’s masterpiece in progress I can compromise. I let my guard down. I learn to love his flaws and shortcomings but maybe love just ain’t enough.

Loving someone means loving the pain incorporated to it. If you’re not brave enough to endure the pain then let go. That’s why I am letting him go. I am detaching myself to someone who used to bring sunshine in my gloomy days. Maybe the love that I have for him is too much for him to absorb. Maybe I was overwhelmed with idea of being in love with him. Maybe this is not love after all.

 

It’s your lost, not mine.

Actually I don’t give a damn. I respect your opinion because that’s the right thing to do. Pointing out the thing that makes me uniquely different from the others, that I cannot accept. I am not your typical woman. I can go out without make up. Messy hairs, loose shirts, comfy food and good movies are my weekend getaway. I am not a size ZERO and never in my wildest imagination did I ever dream of being one. I am happy being size HEALTHY. My curvy big body is my asset. I dress according to my mood. If you happen to see me dress nicely and properly and with my makeup on that’s because I wanted to see my reflection as I walk by store windows. Someone told me that my hair color is too loud (my hair color is dark reddish brown). He also stated that girl who keeps their natural hair color is much more beautiful that’s why the next day I color my hair the loudest RED I could ever have.  I listen to people’s opinion but I don’t take much of them because if I did I will lose my identity. I am unique and I love being me. If you can’t see my worth because of your judgmental mind then it’s your lost, not mine.

 

Ang huling Ikaw at Ako.

Ang huling Ikaw at Ako.

Paano nga ba mag paalam?
Sapat na ba ang mga salitang “Aalis na ako”?
Pwede bang idaan ko na lang sa tula?
Bubuka pa lang kasi ang bibig ko bumubuhol na ang dila ko.

Mahal kita, yan ang nararamdaman ko.
Mahal mo ako, yan ang akala ng puso ko.
Nasa atin na lahat ng oras at pagkakataon.
Pero hindi pala sapat yun para manatalili tayo.

Lagi kitang nakikita at nakakausap.
Magkasundo ang bawat kulot na bahagi ng utak natin.
Kaya mo kong patawanin sa mga oras na pakiramdam ko binagsak sakin ang buong mundo.
Kaya mong patahimikin ang maingay na utak ko gamit lang ang mga mata mo.

Ikaw ang laman ng bawat tula ko.
Ikaw ang bida sa kuwento ng Ikaw at Ako.
Ikaw ang parte ng istorya ko na gusto kong ipagsigawan sa buong mundo.
Dahil ikaw ang Mahal ko.

Pero hindi ito sapat
Hindi ako sapat para sayo.
Laging may kulang, laging may mali.
Hindi na ako tumama sa puso mo.

Durog na ang mga pangarap ko.
Marupok na ang puso kong nagmamahal sayo.
Sa ating dalawa ako lang ang nagmamahal.
Alam ko na na hindi ako ang mahal mo.

Ito na nga ata ang araw na yun.
Ang araw na tatalikod ako at lalakad palayo sayo.
Dahil pagod na akong harapin ka
Dahil pagod na akong harapin ang katotohanan na kahit magkaharap tayo, hindi mo ako makikita.

When you’re a single alpha woman in millennial era.

When you’re a single alpha woman in millennial era.

“You’re a high-maintenance  girl”, “You have an attitude problem”, and so on and so forth. I am used to hearing those words from people who didn’t make time to get to know me. They’re talking as if they knew me for so long when in fact they didn’t know me at all. I’ve been enjoying my single life for almost four years now. Men who tried to flirt with me often tells me that “Oh, you’re pretty enough to not have a boyfriend” and I was like “which book stated that Pretty women should have a partner?”. I have my reasons why i choose to be single.

I am 24, I have a life and a lot of opportunities right in front of me. I have a career that I need to stabilize. I have bills and obligations that I needed to address first. But these are not the reasons why I choose to be part of #teamsingle. I am single because I am waiting for the right man, Oh C’mon that’s too classy. I am an alpha woman from a millennial era I won’t wait for my Prince Charming to come along. I am single because I am still looking for someone who is man enough to handle my big personality. I don’t need a Prince Charming who only knows how to smile sweetly, who only makes me alive when he kisses me and who will fall for me in one glimpse. I am not a Princess for pete’s sake. I am a Queen because I rule my own world, my own life. What I am waiting for is not a Prince but a King. Someone who can conquer my world not to destroy it but who will share his entire kingdom with me. Some men thinks that women fall for someone who can protect them, who will shield them in every harm that comes their way but not for me. I want someone who will let me protect myself and who will allow me to fight my own battles while he is at my side. Who will encourage me to bring out the dragon sleeping within me. I want someone who will let me fly. Someone who is not afraid to let me soar above the sky. Who will let me laugh at my hearts content. Who will let me write poetry and recites it to him. And someone who will let me rest my soul at his chest when everything is alright.

These are some of the reasons why I am still single. Men are afraid to women like me. They think that no one can satisfy my needs. No one can reach my standards. I will always be too much of something to them. I won’t lower my standards just to invite men who can’t handle me in the end. I won’t change my perspectives in order for them to like me. This is me. All I want is just to be me. I want someone who can accept my flaws. Who will see me as God’s masterpiece in progress. Lastly, who will love me perfectly even if I am in perfect.