I don’t know how depression looks like to others. I don’t know if showing to people that you’re strong and happy while deep inside you just want to shut everything out is a sign of depression to them. If despite of trying you’re best you still feel like you’re worthless even if people compliment you. If when you look at the mirror you see an empty reflection. You keep on telling others that “you are enough” but you can’t say those words to yourself. You always think that you’re nothing. You sometimes hear your inner self shouting “die”.
Because for me this is what depression looks like.
People will say that No it’s not depression. You’re just making things up. It’s all in your head. Instead of receiving warm words from them this is what they get. This is the reality. People don’t care at all. If you’re not beneficial to them why would they care? You’re getting sick because of too much stress at work but when you take a leave people will say that you shouldn’t prioritize yourself. People with depression needed a space to breathe. Their thoughts are suffocating them to the point that the only option to stop it is to take away their own life. Don’t judge them. Don’t tell them what to do because God knows how many times that idea crosses their mind. Don’t listen half-heartedly; don’t waste their time opening up to you.
We don’t need to experience it in order for us to understand them. Depression is a serious mental problem. It is not something that we should ignore.
What’s the difference between spark and flame?
I can talk to you about anything that pops up in my crazy head. I can tell you about the smallest thing that happened in my entire day. I can be who I am without the fear of being judge. I don’t need to hide the real me because I know you’ll not run away after seeing the naked truth. There’s a spark between us. Little sparks that gives tiny light just like stars.
Then he came. Someone who set my world on fire. No words. Nothing to talk about. I was blinded by the flame of his fire. I was amazed how someone can create such beautiful flames. At some point I want to touch it. I wanna know what it feels like being near him. Will it warm my cold heart? Will it brighten the darkest day of my life just like the sun does?
My mind is confused but not my heart. All this time I know what my heart wants. Will it be the flame or the spark? 🙂
Ang dami ng sanga ng kwento ng ikaw at ako.
Kwentong simula at dulo lang ang meron.
Walang gitna dahil hindi pa nga nagtatagal ang simula, tinatapos ko na agad ito.
Ano ba talagang meron sa kwento ng ikaw at ako?
Sino nga ba ang Ikaw sa kwentong ito?
Sa dami ng bersyon ng istoryang ito bakit hindi ko magawang ilahad kung sino nga ba ang tinutukoy ko.
Ikaw yung parte ng buhay ko na hindi ko magawang ikuwento.
Takot akong aminin na ako ang dahilan bakit natapos ang kwento ng Ikaw at Ako.
Pano ko nagawang bitawan ang mga pangarap natin at tuluyang tumalikod palayo sa istoryang ito.
Ako yung umalis, nangiwan.
Iniwan sa ere yung taong walang ibang mahal kung hindi ako.
Pero, sa akin nag marka yung sakit na ibinigay ko sayo.
Apat na taon kong dinala.
Natakot akong ibigay ang puso ko sa iba.
Minulto ako ng kasalanan ko sayo.
Hindi ko nagawang patawarin ang sarili ko.
Apat na taon ang lumipas,
Nakita kita masaya ka na.
Wala ng bakas ng sakit na dinulot ko sayo.
Ngiting nagbigay laya sa puso ko para maging masaya na muli.
Pwede ko na ngayong lagyan ng tuldok at isara ang libro ng Ikaw at Ako.
“So when did you lose her?” someone asked. You took a deep breath and gave a long sigh. You try hard to think when did it start, why did it took you so long to notice that she’s gone and how you end up losing the one person who stayed with you through ups and downs of your messy life.
“She’s gone”, that’s all you can afford to say. You can’t explain how it happened because you’re clueless. She gave you enough hints. Her silence was screaming right in front of you but you’re too deaf to hear it. You only hear your own thoughts.
“You lost your moon while counting the stars” said by your hopeless romantic friend. You’ve met her at your darkest hour. Your problems were chasing you so you didn’t notice that she sat in front of you waiting for you to acknowledge her. All she could see was your beauty in the night. In her eyes you’re a work of art, a beautiful mosaic made by broken pieces of your heart and soul. The things that you’ve try hard to hide to her was seen by her naked eyes. She read you like her favorite book. She already knows how it will end but she continues reading it with excitement. She gave you light and guide your way. Every time she will light your way you will blew it just like the cold wind in a winter night. She will glance at you and gave a sweet smile and continue walking and she will light again your way.
“I never thought I will lose her” your voice was cracking as if you’re in pain. You became at ease. You tried to push her away but like a sturdy tree she didn’t sway. She’s a strong woman. She knows what she wants. She wants you though she never tells you that but you’re not stupid enough not to notice it. She wants every broken piece of you even though she knows she might cut and hurt herself. You showed her your worst side. The unlovable you, the cold hearted monster. You put dragons in your heart and didn’t allow her to come in but because she’s strong and she had so much love in heart, your dragons were defeated. Still you didn’t allow her to come in.
“I-I am afraid of her emotional attachment, I-I am afraid that she might get hurt because of me” you feel the pain within your veins and you feel like your heart is going to explode. You’re afraid that she might get hurt. She assured you that she can stand it. You don’t need to be bothered by it because if she gets hurt that only means she’s on the right track. Finally she saw a ray of light in you. She tried hard to assure you that everything will be fine you just need to give it a try. Her heart was dancing under the sun but her happiness didn’t last long because in a nick of time you summoned your dark clouds and you pour it hard on her. The fire within her was slowly vanishing. The flame in her heart was turning into dust and your cold wind blew it off.
“I lost her, she’s gone” finally you acknowledged it. It stings as if there were sharp knives pierced in your heart. But you didn’t lose her. You never acknowledged her from the start. You only lose the things that you own. You didn’t own her. She extends her heart to you but you didn’t grab it. She hugged every broken piece of you but instead of helping her to make you whole you just broke yourself even more. She tried to warm your freezing heart but instead of melting the ice that covers it you froze it even more. She already knows how it will end but she didn’t know she will suffer a major blow. Her heart was wounded, she lost her strength and her lights were fading. She wanted to stay but she knows that if she stayed a lil more she will lose herself. Losing herself means she will become a heartless monster just like you. She didn’t want that to happen so she walked away. You didn’t lose her, she just walked away.