Salamin

“Nawala na ang sarili ko.

Kailan pa ba lumisan ang babae sa harap ng salamin?”, ito ang mga salitang binibitiwan ko sa tuwing haharap ako sa mahiwagang bagay na ‘to.

Paanong hindi ko makita ang sarili ko gayung nakatayo naman ako sa harap ng salamin.

Ako ba ito? o mas mabuting itanong na “Ako na nga ba ito?”

Sinong may gawa? Saan na napunta ang babaeng kinalakihan ko?

Bakit ang dami kong tanong? Hindi ko pa din ba kayang aminin ang totoo?

Ang katotohan na ako mismo ang may gawa nito? Na ako ang dahilan ng pagkawala ng sarili ko!

~Gusto mo bang malaman? Tara hanapin natin ang sarili ko.

 

My spark and the flame.

What’s the difference between spark and flame?
I can talk to you about anything that pops up in my crazy head. I can tell you about the smallest thing that happened in my entire day. I can be who I am without the fear of being judge. I don’t need to hide the real me because I know you’ll not run away after seeing the naked truth. There’s a spark between us. Little sparks that gives tiny light just like stars.

Then he came. Someone who set my world on fire. No words. Nothing to talk about. I was blinded by the flame of his fire. I was amazed how someone can create such beautiful flames. At some point I  want to touch it. I wanna know what it feels like being near him. Will it warm my cold heart? Will it brighten the darkest day of my life just like the sun does?

My mind is confused but not my heart. All this time I know what my heart wants. Will it be the flame or the spark? 🙂

Random Crazy Thoughts of Love.

The love I have to give isn’t the kind of love you see in a movie.

It’s not always hugs and kisses or flowers and chocolates.

The love I have to give is unique in so many aspects.

It is written in between the words I Love you.

 

The kind of love I have is simple but deep.

In order for someone to understand it,

They have to close their eyes and let their heart see it.

Our eyes can fool us but not our hearts.

 

I love seeing a clear blue sky in the morning.

The calmness of clouds and the broad stretch of horizon let my heart at ease.

Then rain makes me sad.

Raindrops make me feel as if the sky is crying.

Who wouldn’t love the stars and moon?

The stars and moon will still shine so bright no matter how dark the night is.

I love the month of April and May because I know I will once again see my eternal love.

Fire Trees!Yes, Fire trees the kind of tree that only blooms during those months. The red flowers of this tree are like flames, the kind of flame that I would dare to touch.

Old books make me nostalgic.

I love reading those kinds of book because it let my mind travel back in time.

 

You see, everything I love can be seen by naked eyes but I didn’t love those because I can see it.

I fell in love with those because after appreciating the beauty they possess,

I close my eyes and cherish them in my heart.

I used my heart to love them even more.

And this is the kind of love I have to give.

I will use my heart to understand and love even more.

This kind of love can travel through distance.

I don’t need eyes to see or hands to touch.

My heart can prove if this Love is true or not.

People will say that it is a foolish act to use your heart without using your mind

but for me I’d rather live a life with lesson from my mistakes than a life without mistakes because I didn’t follow my heart.

I don’t care if people will never understand why I fell in love in the first place.

Even if they think that it’s all the same for me it will always be uniquely different.

 

The next time I fall ❤️

The next time I fall in love,

I don’t want to fall at the idea of love.

I will limit my imagination so it won’t be another infatuation.

No more what if’s so that I will not be bothered on what could have been.

The next time I fall in love,

I will trust you enough.

I will trust my heart and hope that finally this is the love I want.

No more trust issues and insecurities, just love.

The next time I fall in love,

Happiness will reach my inner soul

I will be happy enough knowing that finally you’re here

No more leaving nor running away and I’ll do whatever i can to make you stay.

The next time I fall in love,

I will choose to love you and not in the idea of loving you

While waiting for you to come,

I will prepare myself to be right for you.

I don’t need to search for the Right one because I know if it’s time for us to meet,

You will be just right for me.

Ang simula ng wakas.

Paano nga ba natapos kung wala naman simula?Bakit naubos ang bawat salita?Saan ko nga ba sisimulan ang kwentong tinapos na?

Alam ko kung saan ako lulugar sa buhay mo. Abot tanaw, abot kamay pero hindi pwedeng manatili sa tabi mo. Hindi pwedeng sabihin ang mga katagang “Mahal kita” dahil kung sa iba ito ang simula, sa kwento natin ito ang magwawakas.

Tikom ang bibig, pigilan ang puso. Mga paalalang ulit ulit na tumatakbo sa isip ko tuwing ikaw ang kasama ko.

Gusto kong simulan ang umaga na ikaw ang kasama pero bago matapos ang gabi ramdam ko na walang pag-asa. 

Ito na nga ata ang wakas ng sinimulan ko. Sasambitin ang mga katagang tatapos sa kwento ng ikaw at ako. Mahal kita, yan ang totoo.

Valentine’s Day Realization.

Today Valentine’s Day, I realized one major thing in life, learn to value yourself and be brave enough to walk away. I know I’ve seen a lot of this advice in the internet. I heard people saying those lines over and over again. I even gave the same words to people who asked for an advice but the thing is I haven’t tried applying it to myself. It’s like recommending a good restaurant in town; you’re putting good words about the food and ambiance when in fact you’ve never been there.
Back to my realization, I guess today is the day that it really hits me. It’s like cupid’s arrow were shooting those hearts that popped up in my crazy head. Pop. Pop. Pop then voila everything became crystal clear. There’s an open door waiting for my grand exit. Another chapter is waiting for me to start. I’ve been delaying that chapter because I kept on re-reading one of my favorite chapters and that WAS him.
For a few months I never tried to reach the exit. Maybe I was just afraid of endings that even if there are a lot of exit points I still chose to stay. I plaster pieces of my heart in each exit points hoping both of us would stay but little did I know he brought grenades with him. He planted one in each exit point and one by one he pulled the trigger. Boom boom boom until there’s only one left. I became deaf for a few moments not hearing everyone who told me to runaway. I became blind that I didn’t see those people in the exit point waving their hands asking me to go there. Then I saw him, standing in the last exit, his hand on the trigger, no emotion was written on his face all I know is that anytime soon he will pull the trigger. If I allow him to pull it my whole world will fall apart right in front of me, I didn’t allow him. Instead, I grab the grenade in his hand, I looked straight in his eyes and bid my last goodbye then I pulled the trigger and run to the exit as fast as I could. No turning back. No regrets.

It was my choice to stay, he didn’t need to begged me to do it and it was also my choice to leave, even if he begged me to stay I would still choose to leave. What I realized this Valentine’s day is important because finally I see my worth. I see and I feel my value as a person. That in order for people to value you, you have to value yourself first. If you didn’t give importance to your own feelings no one will do that for you. You have the option to leave if you feel like you don’t belong in that story you just need to find the courage to do it. Do it for yourself. Your feelings, your value and your heart matters. Now I can finally give this advice to everyone learn to value yourself and be brave enough to walk away.

You didn’t lose her, she walked away.

“So when did you lose her?” someone asked. You took a deep breath and gave a long sigh. You try hard to think when did it start, why did it took you so long to notice that she’s gone and how  you end up losing the one person who stayed  with you through ups and downs of your messy life.

“She’s gone”, that’s all you can afford to say. You can’t explain how it happened because you’re clueless. She gave you enough hints. Her silence was screaming right in front of you but you’re too deaf to hear it. You only hear your own thoughts.

“You lost your moon while counting the stars” said by your hopeless romantic friend. You’ve met her at your darkest hour. Your problems were chasing you so you didn’t notice that she sat in front of you waiting for you to acknowledge her. All she could see was your beauty in the night. In her eyes you’re a work of art, a beautiful mosaic made by broken pieces of your heart and soul. The things that you’ve try hard to hide to her was seen by her naked eyes. She read you like her favorite book. She already knows how it will end but she continues reading it with excitement. She gave you light and guide your way. Every time she will light your way you will blew it just like the cold wind in a winter night. She will glance at you and gave a sweet smile and continue walking and she will light again your way.

“I never thought I will lose her” your voice was cracking as if you’re in pain. You became at ease. You tried to push her away but like a sturdy tree she didn’t sway. She’s a strong woman. She knows what she wants. She wants you though she never tells you that but you’re not stupid enough not to notice it. She wants every broken piece of you even though she knows she might cut and hurt herself. You showed her your worst side. The unlovable you, the cold hearted monster. You put dragons in your heart and didn’t allow her to come in but because she’s strong and she had so much love in heart, your dragons were defeated. Still you didn’t allow her to come in.

“I-I am afraid of her emotional attachment, I-I am afraid that she might get hurt because of me” you feel the pain within your veins and you feel like your heart is going to explode. You’re afraid that she might get hurt. She assured you that she can stand it. You don’t need to be bothered by it because if she gets hurt that only means she’s on the right track. Finally she saw a ray of light in you. She tried hard to assure you that everything will be fine you just need to give it a try. Her heart was dancing under the sun but her happiness didn’t last long because in a nick of time you summoned your dark clouds and you pour it hard on her. The fire within her was slowly vanishing. The flame in her heart was turning into dust and your cold wind blew it off.

“I lost her, she’s gone” finally you acknowledged it. It stings as if there were sharp knives pierced in your heart. But you didn’t lose her. You never acknowledged her from the start. You only lose the things that you own. You didn’t own her. She extends her heart to you but you didn’t grab it. She hugged every broken piece of you but instead of helping her to make you whole you just broke yourself even more. She tried to warm your freezing heart but instead of melting the ice that covers it you froze it even more. She already knows how it will end but she didn’t know she will suffer a major blow. Her heart was wounded, she lost her strength and her lights were fading. She wanted to stay but she knows that if she stayed a lil more she will lose herself. Losing herself means she will become a heartless monster just like you. She didn’t want that to happen so she walked away. You didn’t lose her, she just walked away.