There would be days like this where you can feel the pain within your veins. As if someone is pricking your whole body with tiny needles. You told him it doesn’t hurt at all because that’s the truth but a day like this would come. You’ll never see it coming. After it ended you go on with your life. Walking straight ahead without looking back. You side glanced at your shoulder but you just shrugged it off and keep on walking. One warm sunny day like today will come where you’ll feel like your whole world is falling apart. Your strong heart will wave the white flag and for one day you’ll admit to yourself that you’re defeated. Yes, the longing and emptiness that you hide to yourself and to the whole world finally overpowers you.
Today Valentine’s Day, I realized one major thing in life, learn to value yourself and be brave enough to walk away. I know I’ve seen a lot of this advice in the internet. I heard people saying those lines over and over again. I even gave the same words to people who asked for an advice but the thing is I haven’t tried applying it to myself. It’s like recommending a good restaurant in town; you’re putting good words about the food and ambiance when in fact you’ve never been there.
Back to my realization, I guess today is the day that it really hits me. It’s like cupid’s arrow were shooting those hearts that popped up in my crazy head. Pop. Pop. Pop then voila everything became crystal clear. There’s an open door waiting for my grand exit. Another chapter is waiting for me to start. I’ve been delaying that chapter because I kept on re-reading one of my favorite chapters and that WAS him.
For a few months I never tried to reach the exit. Maybe I was just afraid of endings that even if there are a lot of exit points I still chose to stay. I plaster pieces of my heart in each exit points hoping both of us would stay but little did I know he brought grenades with him. He planted one in each exit point and one by one he pulled the trigger. Boom boom boom until there’s only one left. I became deaf for a few moments not hearing everyone who told me to runaway. I became blind that I didn’t see those people in the exit point waving their hands asking me to go there. Then I saw him, standing in the last exit, his hand on the trigger, no emotion was written on his face all I know is that anytime soon he will pull the trigger. If I allow him to pull it my whole world will fall apart right in front of me, I didn’t allow him. Instead, I grab the grenade in his hand, I looked straight in his eyes and bid my last goodbye then I pulled the trigger and run to the exit as fast as I could. No turning back. No regrets.
It was my choice to stay, he didn’t need to begged me to do it and it was also my choice to leave, even if he begged me to stay I would still choose to leave. What I realized this Valentine’s day is important because finally I see my worth. I see and I feel my value as a person. That in order for people to value you, you have to value yourself first. If you didn’t give importance to your own feelings no one will do that for you. You have the option to leave if you feel like you don’t belong in that story you just need to find the courage to do it. Do it for yourself. Your feelings, your value and your heart matters. Now I can finally give this advice to everyone learn to value yourself and be brave enough to walk away.
If there’s such thing as Things I hate about you, I have a list of Things that he hates about me. Going through this list made me realized why he never considered me as real part of his messy life. I should be thankful that he didn’t consider me. Here it goes;
- He hates my fake curly hair. The night he told me about it was the day I fell in love with those curls of mine. I’ve longed enough for those curls and when I finally achieved it, he hates it.
- He hates my choice of food. I don’t eat “sinigang” and he loves it. For pete’s sake I can buy my own food. Eat your tasty “sinigang”.
- He hates that I don’t do facials. I don’t visit dermatologist I admit it. My face is still bearable to look at.
- He hates that I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. Should I pee in the bed?
- He hates that I am silent at times. Like what does he want me to do, talk to myself?
- He hates that I’m no use at directions. When we’re driving and I told him to turn left he would say let’s just follow the map, now tell me why should I give directions when he believes in his map than me.
- He hates the way I dress myself. He would give me constructive criticism and I appreciate it. But there’s such thing as Limit. Sometimes I felt like he was ashamed of me.
- He hates the place I lived in. I admit there’s too much traffic and sidewalk vendors are everywhere. But can you please be careful because this is the place I lived in for the past 24 years of my life. Lastly,
- He hates my family. He hasn’t met them yet but I can feel it. The way he talks about them as if they’re strangers to me. I admit I have faults with that too. I told him about my frustrations with regards to my family but can’t he pick up that I’m just frustrated and I may play victim. I told him about it because I was frustrated. I just need some comfort not his judgment. Judging my family is like judging me too. I came from that family, asshole.
This list will go on and go on if I allow myself to stay longer. Knowing everything that he hates about me doesn’t change anything. I won’t change just to fit in his idea. If I didn’t pass his preference and standards then fine. He just made me realized that I should look after myself because no one will do that for me. I should take good care of myself because in this cruel world even the people you love will point the things that they hate about you and if you let those hate consumed you, you’ll lose in the end.
People say that you shouldn’t give up the things that you can’t go a day without. Back when I was 16 years old the time when I was desperately and madly in love with the idea of having my own relationship, I held on. I never give up. I cried my heart out when I found out that I wasn’t the only one but still I held on. Every night I would cry myself to sleep thinking what did i do to experience such thing. Was it my fault that he wasn’t contented? Where did I go wrong? Questions continuously pop in my head. I give him everything until there’s nothing left for me even self respect. For 3 years I held on thinking that maybe one day he will wake up and make everything right but the opposite happened. I was the one who woke up in that long and frightening dream. One day I woke up with the realization that this is not what I deserve. I am not born to be second best. I ended the nightmare that consumed me for the past 3 years. Yes, it was painful but it is worth it. The pain of leaving the person you used to love stings but just like mosquito bites it will leave a mark but the pain will be gone.
I am 24 right now. For the past five months I let someone see the vulnerable side of me. The things that I am not comfortable to talk to even with my best friend I can confide it to him. I let him in my life without a label. Without asking for permission I gave him the key to enter my heart and I don’t regret that. But things started to change. I can feel myself slowly drifting apart. I am in love. I love the idea of being vulnerable in front of someone. The feeling of being a naked truth. But the fear of getting the same mark again leaves me with no choice but to retreat. I can’t endure another 3 years of holding on. Waiting for the day that he can love the flaws in me. I can’t wait for him to love me back. I already gave him enough chances to see my worth. I let him see that even if I am a mess, I deserve to be loved. I acknowledged myself worth but since I am God’s masterpiece in progress I can compromise. I let my guard down. I learn to love his flaws and shortcomings but maybe love just ain’t enough.
Loving someone means loving the pain incorporated to it. If you’re not brave enough to endure the pain then let go. That’s why I am letting him go. I am detaching myself to someone who used to bring sunshine in my gloomy days. Maybe the love that I have for him is too much for him to absorb. Maybe I was overwhelmed with idea of being in love with him. Maybe this is not love after all.