I don’t know how depression looks like to others. I don’t know if showing to people that you’re strong and happy while deep inside you just want to shut everything out is a sign of depression to them. If despite of trying you’re best you still feel like you’re worthless even if people compliment you. If when you look at the mirror you see an empty reflection. You keep on telling others that “you are enough” but you can’t say those words to yourself. You always think that you’re nothing. You sometimes hear your inner self shouting “die”.
Because for me this is what depression looks like.
People will say that No it’s not depression. You’re just making things up. It’s all in your head. Instead of receiving warm words from them this is what they get. This is the reality. People don’t care at all. If you’re not beneficial to them why would they care? You’re getting sick because of too much stress at work but when you take a leave people will say that you shouldn’t prioritize yourself. People with depression needed a space to breathe. Their thoughts are suffocating them to the point that the only option to stop it is to take away their own life. Don’t judge them. Don’t tell them what to do because God knows how many times that idea crosses their mind. Don’t listen half-heartedly; don’t waste their time opening up to you.
We don’t need to experience it in order for us to understand them. Depression is a serious mental problem. It is not something that we should ignore.
Today Valentine’s Day, I realized one major thing in life, learn to value yourself and be brave enough to walk away. I know I’ve seen a lot of this advice in the internet. I heard people saying those lines over and over again. I even gave the same words to people who asked for an advice but the thing is I haven’t tried applying it to myself. It’s like recommending a good restaurant in town; you’re putting good words about the food and ambiance when in fact you’ve never been there.
Back to my realization, I guess today is the day that it really hits me. It’s like cupid’s arrow were shooting those hearts that popped up in my crazy head. Pop. Pop. Pop then voila everything became crystal clear. There’s an open door waiting for my grand exit. Another chapter is waiting for me to start. I’ve been delaying that chapter because I kept on re-reading one of my favorite chapters and that WAS him.
For a few months I never tried to reach the exit. Maybe I was just afraid of endings that even if there are a lot of exit points I still chose to stay. I plaster pieces of my heart in each exit points hoping both of us would stay but little did I know he brought grenades with him. He planted one in each exit point and one by one he pulled the trigger. Boom boom boom until there’s only one left. I became deaf for a few moments not hearing everyone who told me to runaway. I became blind that I didn’t see those people in the exit point waving their hands asking me to go there. Then I saw him, standing in the last exit, his hand on the trigger, no emotion was written on his face all I know is that anytime soon he will pull the trigger. If I allow him to pull it my whole world will fall apart right in front of me, I didn’t allow him. Instead, I grab the grenade in his hand, I looked straight in his eyes and bid my last goodbye then I pulled the trigger and run to the exit as fast as I could. No turning back. No regrets.
It was my choice to stay, he didn’t need to begged me to do it and it was also my choice to leave, even if he begged me to stay I would still choose to leave. What I realized this Valentine’s day is important because finally I see my worth. I see and I feel my value as a person. That in order for people to value you, you have to value yourself first. If you didn’t give importance to your own feelings no one will do that for you. You have the option to leave if you feel like you don’t belong in that story you just need to find the courage to do it. Do it for yourself. Your feelings, your value and your heart matters. Now I can finally give this advice to everyone learn to value yourself and be brave enough to walk away.
“So when did you lose her?” someone asked. You took a deep breath and gave a long sigh. You try hard to think when did it start, why did it took you so long to notice that she’s gone and how you end up losing the one person who stayed with you through ups and downs of your messy life.
“She’s gone”, that’s all you can afford to say. You can’t explain how it happened because you’re clueless. She gave you enough hints. Her silence was screaming right in front of you but you’re too deaf to hear it. You only hear your own thoughts.
“You lost your moon while counting the stars” said by your hopeless romantic friend. You’ve met her at your darkest hour. Your problems were chasing you so you didn’t notice that she sat in front of you waiting for you to acknowledge her. All she could see was your beauty in the night. In her eyes you’re a work of art, a beautiful mosaic made by broken pieces of your heart and soul. The things that you’ve try hard to hide to her was seen by her naked eyes. She read you like her favorite book. She already knows how it will end but she continues reading it with excitement. She gave you light and guide your way. Every time she will light your way you will blew it just like the cold wind in a winter night. She will glance at you and gave a sweet smile and continue walking and she will light again your way.
“I never thought I will lose her” your voice was cracking as if you’re in pain. You became at ease. You tried to push her away but like a sturdy tree she didn’t sway. She’s a strong woman. She knows what she wants. She wants you though she never tells you that but you’re not stupid enough not to notice it. She wants every broken piece of you even though she knows she might cut and hurt herself. You showed her your worst side. The unlovable you, the cold hearted monster. You put dragons in your heart and didn’t allow her to come in but because she’s strong and she had so much love in heart, your dragons were defeated. Still you didn’t allow her to come in.
“I-I am afraid of her emotional attachment, I-I am afraid that she might get hurt because of me” you feel the pain within your veins and you feel like your heart is going to explode. You’re afraid that she might get hurt. She assured you that she can stand it. You don’t need to be bothered by it because if she gets hurt that only means she’s on the right track. Finally she saw a ray of light in you. She tried hard to assure you that everything will be fine you just need to give it a try. Her heart was dancing under the sun but her happiness didn’t last long because in a nick of time you summoned your dark clouds and you pour it hard on her. The fire within her was slowly vanishing. The flame in her heart was turning into dust and your cold wind blew it off.
“I lost her, she’s gone” finally you acknowledged it. It stings as if there were sharp knives pierced in your heart. But you didn’t lose her. You never acknowledged her from the start. You only lose the things that you own. You didn’t own her. She extends her heart to you but you didn’t grab it. She hugged every broken piece of you but instead of helping her to make you whole you just broke yourself even more. She tried to warm your freezing heart but instead of melting the ice that covers it you froze it even more. She already knows how it will end but she didn’t know she will suffer a major blow. Her heart was wounded, she lost her strength and her lights were fading. She wanted to stay but she knows that if she stayed a lil more she will lose herself. Losing herself means she will become a heartless monster just like you. She didn’t want that to happen so she walked away. You didn’t lose her, she just walked away.
If there’s such thing as Things I hate about you, I have a list of Things that he hates about me. Going through this list made me realized why he never considered me as real part of his messy life. I should be thankful that he didn’t consider me. Here it goes;
- He hates my fake curly hair. The night he told me about it was the day I fell in love with those curls of mine. I’ve longed enough for those curls and when I finally achieved it, he hates it.
- He hates my choice of food. I don’t eat “sinigang” and he loves it. For pete’s sake I can buy my own food. Eat your tasty “sinigang”.
- He hates that I don’t do facials. I don’t visit dermatologist I admit it. My face is still bearable to look at.
- He hates that I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. Should I pee in the bed?
- He hates that I am silent at times. Like what does he want me to do, talk to myself?
- He hates that I’m no use at directions. When we’re driving and I told him to turn left he would say let’s just follow the map, now tell me why should I give directions when he believes in his map than me.
- He hates the way I dress myself. He would give me constructive criticism and I appreciate it. But there’s such thing as Limit. Sometimes I felt like he was ashamed of me.
- He hates the place I lived in. I admit there’s too much traffic and sidewalk vendors are everywhere. But can you please be careful because this is the place I lived in for the past 24 years of my life. Lastly,
- He hates my family. He hasn’t met them yet but I can feel it. The way he talks about them as if they’re strangers to me. I admit I have faults with that too. I told him about my frustrations with regards to my family but can’t he pick up that I’m just frustrated and I may play victim. I told him about it because I was frustrated. I just need some comfort not his judgment. Judging my family is like judging me too. I came from that family, asshole.
This list will go on and go on if I allow myself to stay longer. Knowing everything that he hates about me doesn’t change anything. I won’t change just to fit in his idea. If I didn’t pass his preference and standards then fine. He just made me realized that I should look after myself because no one will do that for me. I should take good care of myself because in this cruel world even the people you love will point the things that they hate about you and if you let those hate consumed you, you’ll lose in the end.
People tend to leave when the situation is not beneficial to them. You will know who the real ones are when they choose to stay even at your darkest days. They won’t judge you. They are willing to offer you a wholehearted acceptance.
And I’m telling you I’m one of them. I’m choosing to stay.
When people asked how we’ve met I always say that it was a sunny day for me and a gloomy night for you because I’ve met you at your most vulnerable darkest night. Your problems were chasing you. They occupied your mind that you didn’t see me coming. I sat next to you but you just glanced at my side. Your mind was running at its fastest speed. At first, I thought that in order for you to notice me I need to chase you. If you’re running at 100kph I need to run at least 80kph, so I run as fast as I could. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was a good sign, but it wasn’t. Eventually I grew tired. Disappointment was consuming me. We’re drifting apart. I was scared. I am used to people leaving me but not you. I don’t want to lose you so I change my approach. Instead of chasing you, I just sat next to you offering my warmest silence because when I finally stop chasing you I realized that the thing that you need the most is a place where you can rest all your worries. A sanctuary where you can finally breathe all your troubles. My warmest silence will comfort you in your darkest days. You can rest your head on my chest and have a good sleep. My hands may be cold at times but it can cool your body when you feel like problems were burning you up. I may not be good at directions but in your darkest night I can light up your way and guide you, you just need to hold my hand and trust me.
I may not enter your world fully because of the walls that you built but one thing I can assure you of is that I will continue sitting next to you. I will stay here until you yourself will bring those walls down. Until you can finally say to me that “I’m glad, I’m home now.”
Actually I don’t give a damn. I respect your opinion because that’s the right thing to do. Pointing out the thing that makes me uniquely different from the others, that I cannot accept. I am not your typical woman. I can go out without make up. Messy hairs, loose shirts, comfy food and good movies are my weekend getaway. I am not a size ZERO and never in my wildest imagination did I ever dream of being one. I am happy being size HEALTHY. My curvy big body is my asset. I dress according to my mood. If you happen to see me dress nicely and properly and with my makeup on that’s because I wanted to see my reflection as I walk by store windows. Someone told me that my hair color is too loud (my hair color is dark reddish brown). He also stated that girl who keeps their natural hair color is much more beautiful that’s why the next day I color my hair the loudest RED I could ever have. I listen to people’s opinion but I don’t take much of them because if I did I will lose my identity. I am unique and I love being me. If you can’t see my worth because of your judgmental mind then it’s your lost, not mine.