There would be days like this where you can feel the pain within your veins. As if someone is pricking your whole body with tiny needles. You told him it doesn’t hurt at all because that’s the truth but a day like this would come. You’ll never see it coming. After it ended you go on with your life. Walking straight ahead without looking back. You side glanced at your shoulder but you just shrugged it off and keep on walking. One warm sunny day like today will come where you’ll feel like your whole world is falling apart. Your strong heart will wave the white flag and for one day you’ll admit to yourself that you’re defeated. Yes, the longing and emptiness that you hide to yourself and to the whole world finally overpowers you.
“So when did you lose her?” someone asked. You took a deep breath and gave a long sigh. You try hard to think when did it start, why did it took you so long to notice that she’s gone and how you end up losing the one person who stayed with you through ups and downs of your messy life.
“She’s gone”, that’s all you can afford to say. You can’t explain how it happened because you’re clueless. She gave you enough hints. Her silence was screaming right in front of you but you’re too deaf to hear it. You only hear your own thoughts.
“You lost your moon while counting the stars” said by your hopeless romantic friend. You’ve met her at your darkest hour. Your problems were chasing you so you didn’t notice that she sat in front of you waiting for you to acknowledge her. All she could see was your beauty in the night. In her eyes you’re a work of art, a beautiful mosaic made by broken pieces of your heart and soul. The things that you’ve try hard to hide to her was seen by her naked eyes. She read you like her favorite book. She already knows how it will end but she continues reading it with excitement. She gave you light and guide your way. Every time she will light your way you will blew it just like the cold wind in a winter night. She will glance at you and gave a sweet smile and continue walking and she will light again your way.
“I never thought I will lose her” your voice was cracking as if you’re in pain. You became at ease. You tried to push her away but like a sturdy tree she didn’t sway. She’s a strong woman. She knows what she wants. She wants you though she never tells you that but you’re not stupid enough not to notice it. She wants every broken piece of you even though she knows she might cut and hurt herself. You showed her your worst side. The unlovable you, the cold hearted monster. You put dragons in your heart and didn’t allow her to come in but because she’s strong and she had so much love in heart, your dragons were defeated. Still you didn’t allow her to come in.
“I-I am afraid of her emotional attachment, I-I am afraid that she might get hurt because of me” you feel the pain within your veins and you feel like your heart is going to explode. You’re afraid that she might get hurt. She assured you that she can stand it. You don’t need to be bothered by it because if she gets hurt that only means she’s on the right track. Finally she saw a ray of light in you. She tried hard to assure you that everything will be fine you just need to give it a try. Her heart was dancing under the sun but her happiness didn’t last long because in a nick of time you summoned your dark clouds and you pour it hard on her. The fire within her was slowly vanishing. The flame in her heart was turning into dust and your cold wind blew it off.
“I lost her, she’s gone” finally you acknowledged it. It stings as if there were sharp knives pierced in your heart. But you didn’t lose her. You never acknowledged her from the start. You only lose the things that you own. You didn’t own her. She extends her heart to you but you didn’t grab it. She hugged every broken piece of you but instead of helping her to make you whole you just broke yourself even more. She tried to warm your freezing heart but instead of melting the ice that covers it you froze it even more. She already knows how it will end but she didn’t know she will suffer a major blow. Her heart was wounded, she lost her strength and her lights were fading. She wanted to stay but she knows that if she stayed a lil more she will lose herself. Losing herself means she will become a heartless monster just like you. She didn’t want that to happen so she walked away. You didn’t lose her, she just walked away.
If there’s such thing as Things I hate about you, I have a list of Things that he hates about me. Going through this list made me realized why he never considered me as real part of his messy life. I should be thankful that he didn’t consider me. Here it goes;
- He hates my fake curly hair. The night he told me about it was the day I fell in love with those curls of mine. I’ve longed enough for those curls and when I finally achieved it, he hates it.
- He hates my choice of food. I don’t eat “sinigang” and he loves it. For pete’s sake I can buy my own food. Eat your tasty “sinigang”.
- He hates that I don’t do facials. I don’t visit dermatologist I admit it. My face is still bearable to look at.
- He hates that I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. Should I pee in the bed?
- He hates that I am silent at times. Like what does he want me to do, talk to myself?
- He hates that I’m no use at directions. When we’re driving and I told him to turn left he would say let’s just follow the map, now tell me why should I give directions when he believes in his map than me.
- He hates the way I dress myself. He would give me constructive criticism and I appreciate it. But there’s such thing as Limit. Sometimes I felt like he was ashamed of me.
- He hates the place I lived in. I admit there’s too much traffic and sidewalk vendors are everywhere. But can you please be careful because this is the place I lived in for the past 24 years of my life. Lastly,
- He hates my family. He hasn’t met them yet but I can feel it. The way he talks about them as if they’re strangers to me. I admit I have faults with that too. I told him about my frustrations with regards to my family but can’t he pick up that I’m just frustrated and I may play victim. I told him about it because I was frustrated. I just need some comfort not his judgment. Judging my family is like judging me too. I came from that family, asshole.
This list will go on and go on if I allow myself to stay longer. Knowing everything that he hates about me doesn’t change anything. I won’t change just to fit in his idea. If I didn’t pass his preference and standards then fine. He just made me realized that I should look after myself because no one will do that for me. I should take good care of myself because in this cruel world even the people you love will point the things that they hate about you and if you let those hate consumed you, you’ll lose in the end.
People say that you shouldn’t give up the things that you can’t go a day without. Back when I was 16 years old the time when I was desperately and madly in love with the idea of having my own relationship, I held on. I never give up. I cried my heart out when I found out that I wasn’t the only one but still I held on. Every night I would cry myself to sleep thinking what did i do to experience such thing. Was it my fault that he wasn’t contented? Where did I go wrong? Questions continuously pop in my head. I give him everything until there’s nothing left for me even self respect. For 3 years I held on thinking that maybe one day he will wake up and make everything right but the opposite happened. I was the one who woke up in that long and frightening dream. One day I woke up with the realization that this is not what I deserve. I am not born to be second best. I ended the nightmare that consumed me for the past 3 years. Yes, it was painful but it is worth it. The pain of leaving the person you used to love stings but just like mosquito bites it will leave a mark but the pain will be gone.
I am 24 right now. For the past five months I let someone see the vulnerable side of me. The things that I am not comfortable to talk to even with my best friend I can confide it to him. I let him in my life without a label. Without asking for permission I gave him the key to enter my heart and I don’t regret that. But things started to change. I can feel myself slowly drifting apart. I am in love. I love the idea of being vulnerable in front of someone. The feeling of being a naked truth. But the fear of getting the same mark again leaves me with no choice but to retreat. I can’t endure another 3 years of holding on. Waiting for the day that he can love the flaws in me. I can’t wait for him to love me back. I already gave him enough chances to see my worth. I let him see that even if I am a mess, I deserve to be loved. I acknowledged myself worth but since I am God’s masterpiece in progress I can compromise. I let my guard down. I learn to love his flaws and shortcomings but maybe love just ain’t enough.
Loving someone means loving the pain incorporated to it. If you’re not brave enough to endure the pain then let go. That’s why I am letting him go. I am detaching myself to someone who used to bring sunshine in my gloomy days. Maybe the love that I have for him is too much for him to absorb. Maybe I was overwhelmed with idea of being in love with him. Maybe this is not love after all.