Salamin

“Nawala na ang sarili ko.

Kailan pa ba lumisan ang babae sa harap ng salamin?”, ito ang mga salitang binibitiwan ko sa tuwing haharap ako sa mahiwagang bagay na ‘to.

Paanong hindi ko makita ang sarili ko gayung nakatayo naman ako sa harap ng salamin.

Ako ba ito? o mas mabuting itanong na “Ako na nga ba ito?”

Sinong may gawa? Saan na napunta ang babaeng kinalakihan ko?

Bakit ang dami kong tanong? Hindi ko pa din ba kayang aminin ang totoo?

Ang katotohan na ako mismo ang may gawa nito? Na ako ang dahilan ng pagkawala ng sarili ko!

~Gusto mo bang malaman? Tara hanapin natin ang sarili ko.

 

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Madilim na lunes.

Madilim na lunes.

“Umalis na siya”, mga katagang pilit na ipinapaintindi sa sistema kong hinahanap siya. Isang buong lingo lang ang dumaan pero humalo agad ang itim niyang kulay sa bahagharing mundo ko. Umpisa pa lang alam ko na kung kalian matatapos. Isang laban na hindi pa nagsisimula ay nakatakda na ang katapusan.

“Anong nangyari?” unang tanong na pumasok sa isip ko. Isang umaga ng lunes nagising na lang ako na wala na siya. Walang senyales, walang bakas. Bigla na lang siyang naglaho na parang bula. Inaasahan ko na ito. Hinanda ko na ang sarili ko sa araw na iyon ngunit wala pala talagang taong handang maiwan. Maiwan ng hindi mo alam kung anong nangyari.

“Asan na kaya siya ngayon?” pangalawang tanong na ayokong itanong sa sarili ko. Dinala na ba siya ng mga alon palayo sa lugar na kinatatayuan ko? Sisimulan ko na ba ang pagbibilang ng araw hanggang sa muli kong makikita ang kadiliman na bumabalot sakanya? O baka naman wala na kong dapat bilangin, baka wala na kong dapat antayin pa.

 

 

I am depress. (A phrase that is very hard to say)

I don’t know how depression looks like to others. I don’t know if showing to people that you’re strong and happy while deep inside you just want to shut everything out is a sign of depression to them. If despite of trying you’re best you still feel like you’re worthless even if people compliment you. If when you look at the mirror you see an empty reflection. You keep on telling others that “you are enough” but you can’t say those words to yourself. You always think that you’re nothing. You sometimes hear your inner self shouting “die”.

Because for me this is what depression looks like.

People will say that No it’s not depression. You’re just making things up. It’s all in your head. Instead of receiving warm words from them this is what they get. This is the reality. People don’t care at all. If you’re not beneficial to them why would they care? You’re getting sick because of too much stress at work but when you take a leave people will say that you shouldn’t prioritize yourself. People with depression needed a space to breathe. Their thoughts are suffocating them to the point that the only option to stop it is to take away their own life. Don’t judge them. Don’t tell them what to do because God knows how many times that idea crosses their mind. Don’t listen half-heartedly; don’t waste their time opening up to you.

We don’t need to experience it in order for us to understand them. Depression is a serious mental problem. It is not something that we should ignore.

My spark and the flame.

What’s the difference between spark and flame?
I can talk to you about anything that pops up in my crazy head. I can tell you about the smallest thing that happened in my entire day. I can be who I am without the fear of being judge. I don’t need to hide the real me because I know you’ll not run away after seeing the naked truth. There’s a spark between us. Little sparks that gives tiny light just like stars.

Then he came. Someone who set my world on fire. No words. Nothing to talk about. I was blinded by the flame of his fire. I was amazed how someone can create such beautiful flames. At some point I  want to touch it. I wanna know what it feels like being near him. Will it warm my cold heart? Will it brighten the darkest day of my life just like the sun does?

My mind is confused but not my heart. All this time I know what my heart wants. Will it be the flame or the spark? 🙂

Random Crazy Thoughts of Love.

The love I have to give isn’t the kind of love you see in a movie.

It’s not always hugs and kisses or flowers and chocolates.

The love I have to give is unique in so many aspects.

It is written in between the words I Love you.

 

The kind of love I have is simple but deep.

In order for someone to understand it,

They have to close their eyes and let their heart see it.

Our eyes can fool us but not our hearts.

 

I love seeing a clear blue sky in the morning.

The calmness of clouds and the broad stretch of horizon let my heart at ease.

Then rain makes me sad.

Raindrops make me feel as if the sky is crying.

Who wouldn’t love the stars and moon?

The stars and moon will still shine so bright no matter how dark the night is.

I love the month of April and May because I know I will once again see my eternal love.

Fire Trees!Yes, Fire trees the kind of tree that only blooms during those months. The red flowers of this tree are like flames, the kind of flame that I would dare to touch.

Old books make me nostalgic.

I love reading those kinds of book because it let my mind travel back in time.

 

You see, everything I love can be seen by naked eyes but I didn’t love those because I can see it.

I fell in love with those because after appreciating the beauty they possess,

I close my eyes and cherish them in my heart.

I used my heart to love them even more.

And this is the kind of love I have to give.

I will use my heart to understand and love even more.

This kind of love can travel through distance.

I don’t need eyes to see or hands to touch.

My heart can prove if this Love is true or not.

People will say that it is a foolish act to use your heart without using your mind

but for me I’d rather live a life with lesson from my mistakes than a life without mistakes because I didn’t follow my heart.

I don’t care if people will never understand why I fell in love in the first place.

Even if they think that it’s all the same for me it will always be uniquely different.

 

The next time I fall ❤️

The next time I fall in love,

I don’t want to fall at the idea of love.

I will limit my imagination so it won’t be another infatuation.

No more what if’s so that I will not be bothered on what could have been.

The next time I fall in love,

I will trust you enough.

I will trust my heart and hope that finally this is the love I want.

No more trust issues and insecurities, just love.

The next time I fall in love,

Happiness will reach my inner soul

I will be happy enough knowing that finally you’re here

No more leaving nor running away and I’ll do whatever i can to make you stay.

The next time I fall in love,

I will choose to love you and not in the idea of loving you

While waiting for you to come,

I will prepare myself to be right for you.

I don’t need to search for the Right one because I know if it’s time for us to meet,

You will be just right for me.

Ang tunay na Ikaw sa kwento ng Ikaw at Ako. 

Ang dami ng sanga ng kwento ng ikaw at ako.

Kwentong simula at dulo lang ang meron.

Walang gitna dahil hindi pa nga nagtatagal ang simula, tinatapos ko na agad ito.

Ano ba talagang meron sa kwento ng ikaw at ako?

Sino nga ba ang Ikaw sa kwentong ito?

Sa dami ng bersyon ng istoryang ito bakit hindi ko magawang ilahad kung sino nga ba ang tinutukoy ko.

Ikaw yung parte ng buhay ko na hindi ko magawang ikuwento.
Takot akong aminin na ako ang dahilan bakit natapos ang kwento ng Ikaw at Ako.

Pano ko nagawang bitawan ang mga pangarap natin at tuluyang tumalikod palayo sa istoryang ito.

Ako yung umalis, nangiwan.
Iniwan sa ere yung taong walang ibang mahal kung hindi ako.

Pero, sa akin nag marka yung sakit na ibinigay ko sayo.

Apat na taon kong dinala.
Natakot akong ibigay ang puso ko sa iba.

Minulto ako ng kasalanan ko sayo.

Hindi ko nagawang patawarin ang sarili ko.

Apat na taon ang lumipas,
Nakita kita masaya ka na. 

Wala ng bakas ng sakit na dinulot ko sayo.

Ngiting nagbigay laya sa puso ko para maging masaya na muli.

Salamat Popoy
Pwede ko na ngayong lagyan ng tuldok at isara ang libro ng Ikaw at Ako.