I am giving up the idea of You and Me.

People say that you shouldn’t give up the things that you can’t go a day without. Back when I was 16 years old the time when I was desperately and madly in love with the idea of having my own relationship, I held on. I never give up. I cried my heart out when I found out that I wasn’t the only one but still I held on. Every night I would cry myself to sleep thinking what did i do to experience such thing. Was it my fault that he wasn’t contented? Where did I go wrong? Questions continuously pop in my head. I give him everything until there’s nothing left for me even self respect. For 3 years I held on thinking that maybe one day he will wake up and make everything right but the opposite happened. I was the one who woke up in that long and frightening dream. One day I woke up with the realization that this is not what I deserve. I am not born to be second best. I ended the nightmare that consumed me for the past 3 years. Yes, it was painful but it is worth it. The pain of leaving the person you used to love stings but just like mosquito bites it will leave a mark but the pain will be gone.

I am 24 right now. For the past five months I let someone see the vulnerable side of me. The things that I am not comfortable to talk to even with my best friend I can confide it to him. I let him in my life without a label. Without asking for permission I gave him the key to enter my heart and I don’t regret that. But things started to change. I can feel myself slowly drifting apart. I am in love. I love the idea of being vulnerable in front of someone. The feeling of being a naked truth. But the fear of getting the same mark again leaves me with no choice but to retreat. I can’t endure another 3 years of holding on. Waiting for the day that he can love the flaws in me. I can’t wait for him to love me back. I already gave him enough chances to see my worth. I let him see that even if I am a mess, I deserve to be loved. I acknowledged myself worth but since I am God’s masterpiece in progress I can compromise. I let my guard down. I learn to love his flaws and shortcomings but maybe love just ain’t enough.

Loving someone means loving the pain incorporated to it. If you’re not brave enough to endure the pain then let go. That’s why I am letting him go. I am detaching myself to someone who used to bring sunshine in my gloomy days. Maybe the love that I have for him is too much for him to absorb. Maybe I was overwhelmed with idea of being in love with him. Maybe this is not love after all.

 

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It’s your lost, not mine.

Actually I don’t give a damn. I respect your opinion because that’s the right thing to do. Pointing out the thing that makes me uniquely different from the others, that I cannot accept. I am not your typical woman. I can go out without make up. Messy hairs, loose shirts, comfy food and good movies are my weekend getaway. I am not a size ZERO and never in my wildest imagination did I ever dream of being one. I am happy being size HEALTHY. My curvy big body is my asset. I dress according to my mood. If you happen to see me dress nicely and properly and with my makeup on that’s because I wanted to see my reflection as I walk by store windows. Someone told me that my hair color is too loud (my hair color is dark reddish brown). He also stated that girl who keeps their natural hair color is much more beautiful that’s why the next day I color my hair the loudest RED I could ever have.  I listen to people’s opinion but I don’t take much of them because if I did I will lose my identity. I am unique and I love being me. If you can’t see my worth because of your judgmental mind then it’s your lost, not mine.

 

Ang huling Ikaw at Ako.

Ang huling Ikaw at Ako.

Paano nga ba mag paalam?
Sapat na ba ang mga salitang “Aalis na ako”?
Pwede bang idaan ko na lang sa tula?
Bubuka pa lang kasi ang bibig ko bumubuhol na ang dila ko.

Mahal kita, yan ang nararamdaman ko.
Mahal mo ako, yan ang akala ng puso ko.
Nasa atin na lahat ng oras at pagkakataon.
Pero hindi pala sapat yun para manatalili tayo.

Lagi kitang nakikita at nakakausap.
Magkasundo ang bawat kulot na bahagi ng utak natin.
Kaya mo kong patawanin sa mga oras na pakiramdam ko binagsak sakin ang buong mundo.
Kaya mong patahimikin ang maingay na utak ko gamit lang ang mga mata mo.

Ikaw ang laman ng bawat tula ko.
Ikaw ang bida sa kuwento ng Ikaw at Ako.
Ikaw ang parte ng istorya ko na gusto kong ipagsigawan sa buong mundo.
Dahil ikaw ang Mahal ko.

Pero hindi ito sapat
Hindi ako sapat para sayo.
Laging may kulang, laging may mali.
Hindi na ako tumama sa puso mo.

Durog na ang mga pangarap ko.
Marupok na ang puso kong nagmamahal sayo.
Sa ating dalawa ako lang ang nagmamahal.
Alam ko na na hindi ako ang mahal mo.

Ito na nga ata ang araw na yun.
Ang araw na tatalikod ako at lalakad palayo sayo.
Dahil pagod na akong harapin ka
Dahil pagod na akong harapin ang katotohanan na kahit magkaharap tayo, hindi mo ako makikita.