“How do you know when it’s over?”
“Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you.”
― Gunnar Ardelius, I Need You More Than I Love You and I Love You to Bits
Whenever I tried to do an article about us I always find myself lost in my own thoughts. I was just sitting in my computer chair staring blankly in my monitor for about 20 minutes before I can create a 1 paragraph consisting of 5 sentences. Our story never had an ending nor should I say a formal ending. There is no “us” to begin with. We are more than friends but less than lovers. For the past seven months of being together I admit that it is really my fault that we didn’t have a label.
In the first week of our adventure (I can’t say relationship because there’s no “us” right?) you kept on asking me if I wanted to be your girlfriend. That time I stopped believing in the power of relationships. Men expire after two weeks that is my motto. And what’s the use of having a label when you can get things that they get without having a commitment. Friends with benefits, No strings attached, Unofficially yours we had the same stories just like them but different ending. We didn’t end up together or maybe this is not yet the end. I was your favorite playmate. We had the same things that normal couples have except that lust is our foundation and not love.
When I get off from work I will go straight into your house. I know that you hate cooking but when I arrived at your house I smelled a slightly burnt fried chicken, I feel a small grin curled my lips. Your house became my sanctuary. My body and soul feel at ease whenever I lay my body in your couch and in your bed. Your body was like a fire place that kept me warm. I remember there was this one night that while you’re sleeping I was staring at you, you let my finger tips traced your face. How can I forget those dark eyebrows, small mysterious eyes, almost perfect nose and your lips that touch every inch of me? You were my favorite statue. A sculpture made by Him. I see how perfect you are.
You survived my two weeks motto. I started counting months in my mind. I know deep within me that I loved you. I really do there’s just this one thing that kept me from telling you that. I was afraid. I was scared to death that maybe you want our situation. You get what you want without being burdened by a commitment. I wanted to tell you that I love you but I don’t know how. For almost four months I’ve been waiting to hear from you the question you used to ask me but I never heard it.
I started to feel your coldness. You were not as excited as before whenever you see me. There was something strange in the way you hug me. I can feel that you’re starting to drift away. I let a few weeks passed before I earned the courage to ask you what’s wrong. You didn’t answer me. You just shrugged it off. I know anytime soon you will utter those words that I don’t want to hear but I didn’t hear anything from you. Until one day we had this fight over a trivial matter I was about to leave when you said “I feel so stupid for pushing myself to you when you don’t want me to”. That was the last time I saw you.
I was dumbfounded, so shocked that you felt that way. All those months that we’ve been together I didn’t know that I let you feel that way. While protecting myself from getting hurt I didn’t know that I was hurting you too.
It’s been a year now since the last time I heard from you. I know you’ve been in relationships but didn’t last long. I am too. I have this new guy he’s way too different from you. You’re the matured, mysterious type of guy while he’s a childish one. I know in my heart that I love this guy but there’s still a part of me that misses you. My “what ifs and what could have been” will haunt me for the rest of my life or until I will be able to tell you what I really feel for you back then. Know that you will always be my favorite story.